


Blood and Salt

by valisi



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alcohol, Alternate Universe, Blood, Guns, M/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Sex, Violence, War
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-19
Updated: 2018-06-19
Packaged: 2019-05-25 04:59:22
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,355
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14969621
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/valisi/pseuds/valisi
Summary: Erwin spares a man's life during the war.





	Blood and Salt

**Author's Note:**

  * For [LostCauses (Anteros)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Anteros/gifts).



Erwin tried not to let his eyes settle on any one man. If he could look at them as a mass of bodies instead of individuals, he could close his eyes at night. If he took the time to notice that one of them had a mustache or a wedding ring, he was unable to sleep. And in this field, littered with slaughtered men, he worried that he may never lie in bed again. 

He heard the skin breaking and bones snapping under the hooves of his horse. The stallion always attempted to carefully step around the bodies. Sometimes the horse couldn't help it. And the stallion's hooves and ankles were matted with blood. 

Erwin glanced around the field. The captain and other soldiers were still combing through bodies. No one had been found alive so far. He looked to the sky. The clouds were strange pinkish color. He wondered if so much blood could evaporate that it might turn the clouds pink. He knew it was a stupid idea. But he felt it. 

He heard movement to his left. Erwin turned his horse and held his gun up with the stock at his hip. Erwin watched as a man slowly rose from the blanket of corpses and attempted to bring himself to his knees. There was fresh blood on the side of his face. He lost his balance and fell down again. Slowly, Erwin closed the ten yards between them. 

The man didn't move quickly, but he finally was able to settle on his knees. He was kneeling in a chunk of humans. And while Erwin was approaching, the man lifted the head of a dead man near him and put it in his lap. Erwin wanted to pull the reigns of the horse to stop the stallion from moving closer. Watching the soldier wrestle with the dead body in an attempt to comfort it was sickening. When the soldier ran his thumb along the dead man's face, Erwin felt like he might vomit. The dead body had light brown hair. He pulled his eyes away from the scene. He closed them in an attempt to wipe it away from his memory. 

But he had a duty. He couldn't allow his emotions to make decisions for him. He would rip the stars from his coat before he allowed that to happen. Erwin opened his eyes again and move forward.

He stopped his horse next to the kneeling soldier. He dismounted. Shooting the soldier from the saddle was the best option. But that felt weaker to him in the moment. He wanted to be on the ground, with the others. The bloody earth squelched under his boots. 

The soldier looked up at Erwin. His black hair was matted to his forehead with blood and sweat. The soldier's uniform looked like a mixture of red and black. At some point, Erwin knew that the fabric had been a gray color. The soldier's eyes were still gray. The man was small, and, of course, he was starved. 

Erwin lifted his rifle to his shoulder and pulled the hammer back. The soldier covered the eyes of the man in his lap, as if it would offend his lifeless eyes to see what would happen. He didn't look away from Erwin. Erwin swallowed, inhaled a deep breath, and as he exhaled, he wrapped his finger around the trigger. The soldier continued to look at him. Erwin couldn't see any light in those eyes. The soldier didn't even open his mouth to speak. And he never reached for his own rifle, which was lying in clear view on top of the bodies. 

“Smith!” the captain called. That was when Erwin made his mistake. 

“Lie down,” Erwin said. The soldier sneered at him. “Lie down, and I won't shoot you.” 

“Smith! Did you find one?” The captain's voice wasn't any closer. 

“Lie down,” Erwin repeated. “Do it now.”

“No,” the soldier said. 

Erwin pulled the rifle from his shoulder. He reared back and hit the soldier in the temple with the butt of the weapon. Fresh blood gushed from the wound as the soldier fell to the side. Then, Erwin fired his rifle at one of the bodies which he refused to see. 

“Smith!” 

He mounted his horse, holding tightly to his rifle. He glanced at the soldier among the pile of men. He wasn't sure if the man was still breathing. And he knew it would have been kinder to shoot him. 

“Did you find one?!” the captain called. 

“Yes, sir!” 

“Is he dead now?” 

“Yes, Captain!” 

He steered his horse towards the Captain. He prayed that the soldier would not rise from that pile of bodies until dark. He prayed that a single mercy would relieve him of the things that he had done. He couldn't be absolved, but he wanted to be relieved. He was selfish. 

 

******

“But why was Erwin able to rise through the ranks so quickly then?” Marie asked. 

“Because the men in his unit died so quickly,” Nile said, laughing. Erwin nodded. “Promotion is easy when the enemy is killing competition every day!” Marie's eyes were troubled when she looked at him. Erwin could think of many things that he would do to wipe away that worry from her eyes. “No one should have become Commander as quickly as him! It was all luck!” All he could do for her was give her a smile. It was weak, but he wanted her to smile back at him so badly. He wanted the soft corners of her mouth to tilt. She waited for him to speak instead. Erwin didn't want to admit it. He didn't want to say the words. But she waited for him. 

“He's right,” Erwin said. Marie's lips parted. Her eyes watered. 

“That's a cruel way to put it, Nile!” She stood from the table and marched towards the front door. 

“Marie!” Nile called. Erwin sat back in his chair and watched her walk away. He watched the door close behind her. That was his chance.“You agreed, Erwin! Why is she pissed at me?” He could chase after her. He could take the moment to touch her arms. Maybe her face. She might cry against his shirt, and he would press his face into her hair. He would comfort her. He could let her comfort him. She might let him taste her mouth. He could touch her jaw. 

But that's where he stopped. He didn't deserve even the fantasy. 

“I couldn't tell you,” Erwin said, looking back at Nile. He had tried to tell Nile before. Nile didn't seem to understand. Or maybe Nile needed her to know about it. Nile wasn't moving from the table. Even though Erwin had given him a prime opportunity. “Go after her.” Nile tilted his beer glass back and forth a while. Then, he stood from the table. 

“She would rather see you, I think,” Nile said. Erwin looked up at him. 

“I don't believe that's true,” he said. Nile's jaw tensed. “Go get her.” Erwin looked back down at his beer and drank some of it. Nile clapped him on the shoulder as he passed. 

Erwin drank the rest of his beer. Then, he finished Nile's. Marie had barely touched her beer, and he drank it for her. He had whiskey after that. He wanted Marie. He certainly wanted to be the one who chased after her. But Nile loved Marie in a way that Erwin felt like he couldn't replicate himself. Erwin knew that Nile deserved her more. Nile could lay in bed next to her. He could touch her skin without thinking of bodies. And Erwin wasn't sure he could do that himself. 

He left the tavern with shaky vision. Erwin knew that he had drank too much to walk home by himself. But there was no one left. The men, which were not married before they left, married the first girl who would have them when they came home. Erwin was not one of those men. The others, like him, who decided that they could not be tender with a woman after what they had done in war, had moved away from town. Many of them became sailors. He had considered doing the same. He knew that he would be able to find employment. His face had been in enough newspapers. 

However, when he was on his father's property, when he paused in front of his home, he understood why he couldn't leave. Didn't want to leave. His father had earned the land and home. If Erwin abandoned it, he would only have the war to think about. At home, he could think of renovations. He could think of the garden. He could hope there was someone strong enough to stand next to him. There was hope at home. 

Erwin scrubbed the bottom of his boots off at the front door before he went inside. Mrs. Bott had left a candle burning for him. He picked up the candle holder and went to the water spout. The cold water soothed his throat. 

While he walked up the stairs, he lost his balance and had to lean against the wall for a moment. Some of the hot wax dripped onto his thumb. He felt it. But he knew that he couldn't move quickly. The pain of the burn would not last long if he could be patient. Erwin steadied himself on the stairs and slowly picked away the wax from his skin. 

The door of his bedroom was open. He hated that. But Mrs. Bott forgot frequently. She couldn't understand his reasoning. 

Erwin set the candle down on his dresser in his room. He closed the door behind himself and reached for the hem of his shirt. 

His bowels felt like warm water when he heard the hammer of the gun behind his back. Erwin took his hands from his shirt and raised them up next to his head. He had imagined this many times. But he didn't imagine the feeling of relief. He didn't know that relief could come so quickly with a simple sound. He imagined his father's smile and his mother's laugh. And he hoped that the man standing behind him would be fast. 

“Walk four steps forward.” 

Erwin looked down at the floor. His vision wasn't clear. But he took the four steps without stumbling. He had forgotten that fear had such a sobering affect. His senses were so intense that he could hear the breath of the man behind him. Even though he was relieved that it would end, he couldn't deny the fear. It was there. But it wouldn't last much longer. He could stand anything as long as he knew it would end. Erwin took a breath from his nose and exhaled from his mouth. 

“Turn around.” 

With his hands still in the air, Erwin turned and looked at the man. The man was short, the top of his head only reaching Erwin's chest. He had to lift his arm up quite a bit to point the pistol in Erwin's face. His black hair was pulled back into a thick bun. The clothes on his body were clean, but they were much too big. There were holes in his shirt. Patches in his pants. Erwin could see the bones protruding from the man's hand, and he could see his distinct collar bone under the loose collar. In the dim of the candlelight, Erwin couldn't tell the color of the man's eyes. They were light. Blue or green. 

The man tilted his head, and Erwin saw a thick scar along the left side of the man's temple. 

“Do you remember me?” he asked. Erwin shook his head. 

“I don't,” Erwin said. 

“You gave me this scar.” Erwin looked at the scar, the curve of it, the raised texture. 

“I apologize,” Erwin said. “I do not remember you.” 

“Try harder,” he said. “I was in a field of bodies, if that helps.” The images flashed in Erwin's mind. “I held a man in my arms while you pointed your rifle at my face.” The soldier, kneeling among bodies, the dead man in his lap, his eyes. “He was dead.” Erwin remembered the man had gray eyes. “He wasn't even cold.” The soldier's uniform should have been gray. But it was red and black. “You didn't shoot me.” His eyes were gray. “You fucking should have.” 

“I remember you,” Erwin said.

“You don't look surprised,” he said. Erwin didn't know how to respond. The man wasn't waiting for an answer. His bone-thin finger settled against the trigger. “Why didn't you kill me?” Erwin closed his eyes. “Fucking look at me.” Erwin opened his eyes again, and he saw the man's hand was shaking. But it was rage, not fear. 

“Before I answer,” Erwin said. “I want you to know that there is plenty of food in the cabinets downstairs. You should take it when I'm dead. I have no family-”

“Answer my fucking question,” he said. The gun twitched. 

“You should have eaten something while I was gone,” Erwin said. The man lowered his gun to Erwin's abdomen. 

“I'll shoot you in your belly,” he said. “Then, I'll take my knife,” he gasped for air. “I'll cut off every finger you have until you answer my fucking question.” Erwin felt his heartbeat race. Being shot in the face would be instant. If death was instant, it sounded like a relief. But he believed what the man said. He would be tortured for the answer. This man had nothing left. 

“I didn't kill you because I had the option,” Erwin said. The man stepped closer, his hand visibly tightening around the pistol. “Any time that I had the option not to kill a man, I tried to take it.” The man's arm began to shake. “Pull the trigger so you can eat.” 

“Shut up!” 

“That's why you're here,” Erwin said. “Hunger will make a man do things that he normally wouldn't.” The man wouldn't be able to hold the gun up for much longer. It was too heavy for him. “A smaller gun would have done the trick.” 

“Shut the fuck up!” he screamed. Erwin bent his left knee first, lowering himself to the floor. He knelt. He moved his hands slowly and laced his fingers behind his head. There had been many men in his position before. He had killed some of them himself. He wanted to die on his knees, just as they did. 

“You aren't going to be able to hold that position for long,” Erwin said. The man's legs were shaking. “Pull the trigger.” The pistol twitched again. Erwin waited. And after waiting for so long that his eyes lost focus, he realized the man wouldn't kill him. He wouldn't be merciful. “If you choose not to pull the trigger, you'll still have food and a bath before you leave this place.” 

“Why didn't you fucking kill me?!” 

“I said it was because I had the option,” Erwin looked up at him. 

“But why me?!” he screamed. “Why me?!” 

“You were already dead,” Erwin said. “You didn't have any light in your eyes.” The man bared his teeth in pain. Erwin regretted the words instantly. The pistol was shaking uncontrollably in the man's hand. “You wouldn't even reach for your rifle.” The man began gasping for air, clenching his teeth together. “I never expected you to live.” 

The pistol fell from his hand, and the man's body began to tremble so hard that his skinny knees touched. Then, the man lost his footing and fell to the floor. Erwin expected an out-pouring of emotion. Instead, he watched the man slowly catch his breath. Erwin reached out to the pistol. The man didn't attempt to stop him. He pushed the pistol under the dresser. The man's arms were thin enough to reach under it, but Erwin knew he wouldn't have the strength. The man wasn't able to lift himself from the floor. Erwin stood upright. He wavered when he was on his feet. The fear was subsiding, and the alcohol took its place. 

Erwin approached the man, and he leaned down. The man reached behind his back and pulled a knife. Erwin didn't hesitate. He wrapped an arm under the man's knees and one around his back. He lifted the man, and the knife clattered to the floor. 

The whiskey was affecting him, but he moved smoothly from his room to the bathroom. He put the man in the chair next to the sink counter. Then, he prepared warm water for a bath. When the tub was filled close to the brim, Erwin helped the man into the tub with his clothing still intact. 

Erwin didn't order the man to stay in place when he left the bathroom. He went to the kitchen and opened a jar of beef broth. He heated it and returned to the bathroom with the broth and a piece of bread. 

The man was sleeping in the tub. Erwin woke him and held the bread out for him. The man didn't reach for it. Erwin pressed the bread against the man's mouth. The man took a bite, lifted his hand from the water, took the bread and began to eat. Erwin gave him the mug of the broth. He expected the man to eat ravenously. Instead the man ate purposefully, as if it was his last meal. Erwin sat down in the chair next to the sink. 

“What's your name?” Erwin asked. The man didn't answer immediately. He finished the bread first. 

“Ackerman,” he said. Erwin nodded. 

“My name-”

“I know it,” Ackerman said. Erwin's eyebrows pinched together, and he sat back in his chair. He rested his eyes. “Are you going to close your eyes while I'm still here?” Erwin looked at him. 

“You can barely hold a knife,” he said. Ackerman drank some of his broth. “I'll call on a doctor tomorrow.” 

“No-”

“You'll never have to speak to me again,” Erwin said. “You'll never see me again.” He leaned forward in his chair, resting his elbows on his knees. Ackerman finished the broth in the mug and set it down on the floor next to the tub. Erwin rubbed his face. “You'll have to eat slowly while you recover. You know that.” He moved his hands from his face. Ackerman didn't respond. He simply stared. “You've seen what happens to men who eat too quickly after starving.” Ackerman leaned his head back in the tub. “I know a doctor who will feed you. And in return, he wants to hear your war stories.” Ackerman lifted his hand from the water and pulled the tie from his hair. “He's done it before.” Ackerman sank down into the water. Erwin watched the Ackerman's long hair slowly slip from the back of the tub and into the water. He waited for him to surface. 

When Ackerman surfaced, Erwin stood from his chair. Ackerman wiped the water from his face. He looked up at Erwin. 

“Can you get out of the tub yourself?” 

“Yeah.” 

“I'll call for the doctor tomorrow,” Erwin said. He put his hands in his pockets. “When I spared you in the field, I thought that I was being merciful.” He shook his head. “I know that's wrong now, but that was my intent.” Erwin looked away from him. “If you kill me in the night, please make it quick.” Erwin walked towards the door of the bathroom. “Sleep anywhere you like.” 

Erwin went to his bedroom and sat down on the bed. He pulled his boots from his feet and laid down on the mattress. The whiskey didn't help him sleep. The candle snuffed out naturally. He was still awake when Ackerman left the tub. He heard the water. He heard Ackerman walk to his bedroom door. And then, he heard Ackerman walk away. 

In the morning, Erwin heard Mrs. Bott open the front door when she came into the home. He stood from his bed, still dressed, and went downstairs to her. He asked her to immediately send word to Dr. Zoe to send someone with a wagon for a patient. Mrs. Bott was flustered and confused, but she did the task. 

Erwin looked through the home for Ackerman. He found the him sleeping in his father's death bed. Erwin stood near the door of the bedroom while he waited for the wagon. 

Mrs. Bott came back to the house an hour or two later, and Erwin refused to let her see who was in the bedroom. Then, the wagon came in the afternoon. Dr. Zoe had come himself, accompanied by Moblit Berner. Mrs. Bott let them in and took them upstairs. 

Erwin offered his hand to the doctor. 

“He was alive last night,” Erwin said. “I don't know about now.” He opened the door and saw Ackerman was awake, sitting on the edge of the bed. Dr. Zoe entered the room and walked towards him. Ackerman stood from the bed, and he fumbled. Dr. Zoe practically caught him and supported Ackerman under his arm.

“Well, you're certainly on death's door, soldier,” Dr. Zoe said with his typical smile. Ackerman didn't respond. He simply stared at Erwin. Erwin couldn't read the emotion. 

Dr. Zoe and Moblit removed Ackerman from the house on a stretcher. And when Ackerman was settled into the back of the wagon, Dr. Zoe came back to shake Erwin's hand once more. 

“I told him the arrangement,” Erwin said. “But if he refuses to talk, charge me.” Dr. Zoe smiled up at him. 

“He won't refuse,” he said. “None of the others have ever refused.” Erwin nodded. 

“Thank you.”

“I should be thanking you. This endeavor of mine has only progressed because of you,” Dr. Zoe. “Mr. Ackerman will be thanking you soon too, I'm sure.” Erwin took his hand away. 

“I doubt it,” he said. Dr. Zoe shrugged in his typical fashion and ran back to the wagon.

“Let's go, Moblit!” Dr. Zoe hopped into this seat while Moblit tapped the horses with the reigns. Erwin watched the wagon until it went over the hill. 

“Is that someone you know from the war, Commander Smith?” Mrs. Bott asked. He looked at her. She was wiping her hands on her blue apron. He nodded. 

******

_Commander Smith,_

_Mr. Ackerman is healing well. He didn't handle the wagon ride very well, but we're feeding him as much as he can stomach for now. In exchange, he's told me of his time in the military. I wish that you would have told me that he's from Sina. At first, I wasn't pleased with you. But his version of the war is something that I have not heard before. In a way, I owe you. His views of Marians are fascinating._

_Why was he at your home?_

_Sincerely,_

_Dr. Hange Zoe_

******

_Dr. Zoe,_

_I think it would be best if he told you his version of the events that occurred at my home. I'm glad that you have been able to trade with him._

_Sincerely,_

_Erwin Smith_

******

 

_Dearest Erwin,_

_I've attempted to write this letter five times now. Nile has proposed engagement to me. Before I answer him, I need to know._

_Why did you send him that night at the taphouse? Why did you not come for me yourself?_

_Yours,_

_Marie_

******

_Miss Marie,_

_Congratulations on your pending engagement._

_Unfortunately, I cannot answer your question. If I caused you any pain by not attending to you myself, I apologize._

_I've known Nile for almost my entire life. I know that he will be a fit husband for you._

_Sincerely,_

_Erwin Smith_

******

_Commander Smith,_

_Mr. Ackerman has finally chosen to tell me his forename. He's Levi Ackerman. He lived in the Underground of Sina before he was drafted. The men of the Underground were drafted first. He and his lifelong friend, Farlan Church, were among the first men to be deployed to battle. They were able to survive until the Battle of Krolva._

_Levi told me that Mr. Church was slain rather quickly at Krolva. You were part of the detail which ensured that all Sina soldiers were dead on the field. You spared his life._

_I haven't been able to persuade him to tell me what happened in your home. I know that he hates you for your act of mercy._

_I know that you and I have worked together before, Erwin. However, if you ever want to talk about these less pleasant details, please write. You may also call on me at any time. I always enjoy your visits._

_Best Regards,_

_Dr. Hange Zoe_

******

_Dr. Zoe,_

_Thank you for writing. I'm relieved to know that Mr. Ackerman has been cooperating with you so far. If there is any way that I can be of assistance, please allow me to help._

_Sincerely,_

_Erwin Smith_

******

_Commander Smith,_

_This past year has been an amazing journey for our friend Levi! I thought you would like to know. Whenever you are able to visit next, please do come to my home. In fact, come next week._

_Best Wishes,_

_Dr. Hange Zoe_

******

_Dr. Zoe,_

_I'm grateful for the news of Mr. Ackerman's recovery. I will call on you when I am able._

_Sincerely,_

_Erwin Smith_

******

_Commander Smith,_

_Dr. Hange Zoe formally requests the honor of your company at a dinner party on Saturday, the twenty-fifth of September. Please respond with your acceptance by Thursday, the twenty-third of September._

_Sincerely,_

_Moblit Berner, Physician's Assistant to Dr. Hange Zoe._

******

_Dr. Hange Zoe,_

_Thank you for your kind invitation. I will be unable to attend your dinner party on Saturday, the twenty-fifth of September, due to a forecasted illness. Please forgive my absence._

_Best Wishes,_

_Erwin Smith_

******

The knock on the door disturbed Erwin's reading. Mrs. Bott answered it, and he immediately heard Dr. Zoe's high-pitched voice. Erwin let his head drop back against the chair, allowing the book to slip from his hands. And he heard his footsteps on the stairs. 

“Erwin!” 

“In here,” Erwin said. He sat up in the chair, closed his book, and straightened his vest. Dr. Zoe walked into the room and closed the door behind himself. 

“A forecasted illness?”

“I'm feeling a bit sick at the moment,” Erwin said. Dr. Zoe put his hands on his hips. “I apologize. I simply haven't felt like leaving home.” Dr. Zoe nodded. 

“Well, I brought Levi to see you,” Dr. Zoe said. Erwin released a heavy sigh. “He needs to see you.”

“Why?” 

“He has something to say,” Dr. Zoe said. Erwin leaned his head forward and rubbed his forehead with his hand. 

“Could he tell me in this room?” 

“Yes,” Dr. Zoe said, immediately turning to leave. Erwin watched him leave, and then he waited. He heard Dr. Zoe fussing with Mrs. Bott over something. Then he heard the back door open and close roughly. The front door opened. There were careful footsteps on the stairs. Erwin stood from his chair and straightened his clothing. 

When Levi walked through the door of the bedroom, Erwin struggled to recognize him. Levi's hair had been cut. His body had filled out with good food and had taken on a muscular look. His clothes fit correctly. Erwin couldn't see the sharp collar bone anymore. 

“Hello, Mr. Ackerman,” Erwin said. He considered offering his hand, but Levi crossed his arms over his chest. 

“I'd rather you call me Levi,” he said. Erwin nodded. Levi turned his head. In the light of day, the scar was more noticeable. But it didn't seem as thick as it had been the previous year. 

“Alright,” Erwin said. “Dr. Zoe told me that your recovery has been inspirational.” Levi nodded and rolled his eyes. 

“Yeah,” he said. “Hange says that I need to apologize for what I did to you.” Erwin frowned. 

“That's not neces-

“I'm sorry,” Levi said. He looked away from Erwin. Erwin shook his head. He opened his mouth to refuse the apology. “Hange said that it's important for me to say I was wrong.” Erwin closed his mouth. “This isn't about you.” Levi looked at him. “It's about me. You don't have to say anything.” Erwin nodded, maintaining eye contact. “Hange had told me a lot about you.” Erwin swallowed. “Everyone has really. Moblit. Mike and Nanaba.” Erwin turned around and walked towards the window. He looked outside. Hange was outside with Mrs. Bott. They were fawning over the garden. “I always thought that you became a Commander so quickly because you were brutal.” Erwin watched Hange pick a tulip and hold it up for Mrs. Bott. Mrs. Bott took the flower, and he heard her laughter. “They said you are vicious.” Erwin turned and looked at Levi. “Everyone said that. The newspapers. Anyone in the military. Even your friends say that you are brutal.” Levi stepped back and leaned against the wall. Erwin leaned against the window frame. “But your friends say that you were in a unit that made you brutal.” Erwin looked down at his hands. He picked at one of his fingernails. “Why don't you say something?” Erwin shook his head and stopped picking at his nails. He put his hands in his pockets instead. 

“I have nothing to say.” 

Levi nodded. Erwin saw Levi's gray eyes examine him. 

“I think you're even more fucked up than I am,” Levi said. Erwin smiled and almost laughed. 

“I think you're right,” Erwin said. Levi nodded. 

“If I had known this about you,” Levi said. “I never would have come here.” Erwin bit the inside of his lip. “And if I had never come here, I would have starved.” 

“Why were you starving?” 

“I couldn't think about anything else except for killing you,” Levi said. “And when I was here, I couldn't even do that.” Erwin adjusted his footing. “Do you wish I had killed you?” Erwin cleared his throat. 

“No,” he said. Levi tapped a finger on his bicep. Erwin looked at Levi from his hair down to his shoes. “I'm very glad that you stayed with Dr. Zoe for this long. You look very healthy.” 

“I'm helping Hange with the horses now,” he said. 

“That's good.” 

Levi leaned away from the wall and closed the distance between them. The back of Erwin's neck felt hot. He had felt this way about men before. And he had stopped himself from responding then. This time wouldn't be any different. When Levi looked up at him, Erwin felt like he had cotton in his throat.

“I think you still have every right to kill me,” Levi said. “But you're allowing me to stand in your home, and I've talked to you like you're a piece of shit.” Erwin had trouble breathing. He tried to take a good breath from his nose. He inhaled some of Levi's scent. It burned in his gut. “Dr. Zoe wants me to tell you that you need to ask for his help.” Erwin pressed his back against the wall harder. He had never run from a man in his life. Then, Levi stepped closer. Erwin felt his foot move. “Ask for Hange's help-”

“Okay.” 

Levi leaned back, and Erwin felt his muscles relax. 

“Okay?” Levi asked. “Just like that?” Erwin nodded. “Are you afraid of me, Commander Smith?” 

“No.” 

“You answered so fast,” Levi said. Levi smelled like fresh grass and a hint of sweat. “You don't appear to be afraid, but you're sweating.” 

“It's a warm day,” Erwin said. Levi nodded. 

“Yeah.” Levi turned and began walking out of the room. 

“Levi.” 

Levi turned around and looked at him. 

“How did Hange help you?” Erwin asked. Levi inhaled. Erwin watched his chest move, and he ached. 

“I talked about it,” Levi said. “And the more I said, the better I felt.” Erwin's eyebrows pinched together. Levi shrugged. “Yeah. I don't get it either.” Erwin grinned at him. 

“Farewell, Levi,” Erwin said. 

“If you don't come to Hange's house next week, he's coming here,” Levi said. He turned and left the bedroom. Erwin heard Levi's footsteps on the stairs. Then, the back door. 

Erwin turned and looked out the window. Levi stood next to the Hange while Hange continued to talk to Mrs. Bott. Levi turned and looked up into Erwin's window. Erwin felt like he may melt against the glass. 

The first visit to Hange was difficult. Hange asked a lot of questions. Erwin answered all of them. Hange pushed for more emotion, and Erwin didn't understand. 

“What did you feel though?” 

“Nothing,” Erwin said. 

“You felt nothing when you pressed a blade into a man's lungs?” 

“I felt the resistance of his skin and muscle,” Erwin said. “I hit bone, I think.” And Hange shook his head. 

Erwin kept his weekly appointments with the doctor. Sometimes, he saw Levi while he was entering or exiting the house. But he never took the time to speak to him. 

“It's been six months with no progress, Erwin,” Hange said. Erwin felt equally frustrated.

“I apologize,” Erwin said. “I don't understand the process.” Hange sighed and sank into his chair. Erwin stood up and buttoned his coat. 

“Maybe it's because I haven't been to war,” Hange said. Erwin looked at him. “You feel like you can't say how you felt because you don't know how you felt. And I don't know how you felt.” 

“Is it really so preposterous to believe that I felt nothing?”

“Yes,” Hange insisted, standing from his chair. 

“It's very possible that I simply don't need the type of help you're offering,” Erwin said. Hange's eyes lit up. 

“You're right, Commander Smith,” the doctor said. He smiled and showed Erwin the door. “You're relieved from your weekly visits here.” Erwin smiled at the doctor and offered his hand. The doctor shook his hand. 

“Thank you, doctor,” Erwin said. 

The next night, Mrs. Bott made a roast for his dinner. Erwin could barely eat. She noticed, but she was graceful enough not to comment. When dinner had been cleared, and Mrs. Bott left, Erwin sat at his dining table and drank whiskey. He wasn't supposed to drink. Hange had told him not to drink at all with the morphine dosage. But Erwin didn't believe there was any danger in it. 

A knock at the door startled him. Erwin stood from the table and pulled a knife from the kitchen block. He leaned against the front door with his hand on the handle. 

“Who is it?” 

“It's Levi.” 

Erwin raised his eyebrows and looked at the knife in his hand. He put the knife away and went back to the door. When he opened it, Levi stepped inside without waiting to be invited. 

“Good evening, Levi-”

“Hange says the treatment isn't working on you,” Levi said. He sat down at the dining table and poured some whiskey in Erwin's glass. Erwin closed the door. He walked over to the table. He watched Levi's lips wrap around the edge of the glass. He saw the way Levi's throat moved while he swallowed. Levi set the glass down and refilled it. “What's your problem?” 

“I'm not sure,” Erwin said, smiling. Levi nodded. 

“Hange sent me over here,” Levi said. “He thinks you'll talk to me.” Erwin shook his head. 

“I've been talking,” he said. “I just haven't said what Dr. Zoe wants to hear.” Levi shrugged. 

“Well,” Levi said, sitting back in his chair. “I'm getting paid to be here for a few hours.” Erwin nodded. 

“I've taken my dosage of morphine,” Erwin said. “I won't be awake for a few hours.” Levi shrugged. 

“I'll be around until the time doc told me to leave,” Levi said. “You should just sit down.” Erwin nodded slowly and looked at the whiskey glass. He sat down and drank it within a few moments. “You're not supposed to drink with morphine.” Levi took the glass from Erwin's hand. Then, Levi poured himself some whiskey. He drank it, closing his eyes. Erwin licked his lips. He liked watching Levi drink. Too much, really. Levi set the glass down and wiped his mouth on the back of his hand. 

“I feel compelled to stay awake with you,” Erwin said. Levi shook his head. 

“If you go up to your bedroom, I'll just go with you,” Levi said. Erwin's eyes widened when he looked at Levi. “I'll sit and wait to see if you say anything.” 

“This is unacceptable,” Erwin said. 

“You're not going to cheat me out of a job,” Levi said. “I'm going to do it. I'm going to get enough money to buy a horse from Hange and leave.” Levi leaned over the table, waiting to be challenged. Erwin had no response. He didn't feel like it was honorable to deny a man an honest living, however ridiculous the job may be. At the same time, he wasn't sure he could stand having Levi around without making a mistake. Erwin poured some more whiskey in the glass and drank it. There was a slight taste with the whiskey. He realized it was the taste of Levi's mouth. He downed the glass. When he set the glass down, Levi slid it away from him. Levi leaned away from the table and back in his chair. “Since I'm here, I want to ask you something.” Erwin looked at him. His vision was a bit fuzzy. “Did you know that Hange is actually a woman?” Erwin cleared his throat. 

“Yes,” he said. 

“That shit doesn't bother you?” 

“No,” Erwin said. “He didn't have parents. He was working in a steel mill at the time. And no one is going to hire a fourteen year old girl for that type of work.” Erwin glanced at the whiskey. “One day I went to the river with Mike and Nile. I was seventeen at the time, I think. We took off our clothes to swim, and my clothes were stolen. About three weeks later, I saw Hange walking home wearing my clothes. I asked him why he took them. And I don't know why he decided to tell me the truth.” Erwin shook his head. “I don't think I ever asked him why he decided to tell me the truth.” 

“He says it's because he felt bad that he stole your clothes,” Levi said. Erwin looked at him. “He expected that he would lose his job soon, and he thought he would leave town anyway.” 

“I think living with that type of secret would be really painful,” Erwin said. “Maybe he wanted to tell someone. Anyone.” Erwin rubbed his right eye with the heel of his hand. “I gave him a lot of clothes after that, I think.”

“You did.” 

“I did,” Erwin said, nodding. “I remember that my father whipped me for losing so many sets of clothes.” Levi grinned at him. Erwin's eyes scanned his face, noting the way that the corners of Levi's mouth creased his face when he smiled. 

“Do you think we killed any women?” Levi asked. “In the war.” Erwin was shaking his head before Levi finished his statement. 

“You didn't. Maria had very strict medical standards,” Erwin said. “I don't know about Sina.” 

“We were desperate,” Levi said. “Our medical appointment took five minutes.” 

“Why?” 

“They took our temperature and checked us for lice and ticks,” Levi said. Erwin raised his eyebrows. “So let me ask you something else.” Erwin nodded. “Hange saved a newspaper about you. Your picture was on the front page.” Erwin leaned forward for the glass, and Levi didn't stop him. “Why did you shoot that lieutenant?” Erwin poured himself some more whiskey, but Levi picked up the glass first. He watched Levi drink. Levi set the glass down empty. Erwin filled it up again with his hand wrapped around it so Levi wouldn't be able to take it away. He drank slowly. “That's the article that really made you a monster. But I've talked to the others, and they're convinced that you didn't do it.” 

“I did,” Erwin said. He stood from the table and wobbled on his feet. He heard Levi's chair move, but he didn't turn to look at him. Erwin went to the kitchen drawer where he kept cigarettes. He lit one, and Levi took one when it was offered. Then, he brought the cigarettes back to the table and sat down. Levi offered the match to Erwin first. When Erwin leaned into it, he noticed the scars on Levi's hands and wrists. 

“Why did you shoot him?” Levi asked, lighting his own cigarette. Erwin held onto the smoke and exhaled from his mouth, inhaling the smoke once more through his nostrils. He felt Levi staring at him. When he met Levi's eyes, Levi broke eye contact. Levi ashed into the whiskey glass, and Erwin clenched his jaw. The pure defiance was irritating. “We were done drinking.” Erwin ignored the comment. 

“I don't remember what is written in the article,” Erwin said. 

“You shot a lieutenant dead during a strategy meeting,” Levi said. “He was the son of a wealthy man in Karanes.” Levi exhaled smoke. He was attempting to breathe from his mouth and inhale through his nose the way Erwin had. He gave up and exhaled in a huff. “The article suggested that you would be tried when the war was over.” 

“I should have been.” 

“But why?” Levi asked. Erwin dragged from his cigarette again, feeling his eyebrows pull together. 

“I understand if Hange gave you the directive to get this information from me-”

“Hange didn't tell me what to do,” Levi said. “He told me to come here and sit with you for four hours. I get paid whether we talk or not. I want to know.” Erwin took a long drag to try and distance himself from the topic. He could still clearly see the young lieutenant's face. “It was a strategy meeting.” Erwin nodded. 

“It was a strategy meeting,” Erwin said. “The tactics we chose to use were based on reducing the casualty rates.” Erwin shook his head. “The Sina warriors were completely focused on killing us, and sometimes they killed themselves in the process. I decided that we would win the war by simply having more surviving soldiers.” Erwin dragged on his cigarette. He exhaled and some smoke went into his left eye. He rubbed at it while it watered. “Lieutenant Coldiron felt very privileged in his position. He argued for a strategy that would kill as many Sinans as possible. I refused the strategy. He suggested that he would do things his way. And I shot him.” Erwin's eye still hurt. He covered it with his hand while he dragged again. 

“You shot him for arguing with you?” Levi asked. Erwin took his hand away from his eye. 

“The previous month, there were some officers who violated orders,” Erwin said. “Three fourths of a unit were killed. Lieutenant Coldiron was one of the officers who was leading that unit, and I had been told that he had been a leader in the battlefield adjustments.” Erwin watched Levi drag. “He made it clear that orders mattered very little in comparison to what he thought was right.” He tossed his cigarette into the whiskey glass before it could burn his fingers. Erwin rested his head in his hand. “As the commander of that brigade, I thought I did the right thing.” He licked his lips. And he heard the paper of Levi's cigarette burning. 

“I saw several officers kill enlisted men for less,” Levi said. “But I don't think it bothered them.” Erwin felt consciousness leaving him. “I know it bothers you.” He couldn't wake himself up enough to respond. “You did what you had to do.” Erwin swallowed. 

He fell asleep at the dining room table. Levi woke him up and sent him to bed when his time was up. 

Erwin didn't expect to see Levi the next night. He instantly felt uncomfortable. Levi wouldn't allow him to drink as much as he wanted. Levi even followed him to the toilet. He didn't insist on Erwin keeping the door open, but he stayed nearby. A few times, while they were moving through the house, Levi came close enough to him that Erwin could smell him. 

Levi continued to return every night. And he talked to Erwin about his version of the war. Levi had been in worse conditions than Erwin could dream. Erwin couldn't stop himself from telling a few war stories so that Levi would know how terrible Sina had treated their soldiers. And Erwin told him about killing the young Sinan man by stabbing him in the lung. 

“How did it feel?” Levi asked. 

“Like butter,” Erwin said. “Until I hit bone.” Levi nodded. “And then there was nothing.” 

“Sounds about right,” Levi said. Erwin realized he hadn't been able to say that Hange. And he was glad that Levi was there. 

But the seventh night was horrible. Levi lounged on the couch in the sitting room, and his shirt was loose enough to reveal part of his collar bone. They were sitting quietly. When Erwin noticed the skin, the muscle, the bone, he excused himself to the toilet. He hadn't had such a difficult erection for at least a year. And he couldn't stand the idea of relieving himself while Levi stood right outside the door. He sat in the toilet for so long that Levi asked him if he was alright. Erwin responded that he was fine. He was still in the toilet when Levi left. That night, after Levi left, Erwin ached, but refused to touch himself. He barely slept.

On the eighth night, Erwin had decided he had enough. Levi walked through the door without knocking. Erwin stood from the table and approached him. He leaned forward, towering over him. Levi didn't step back. 

“I don't want you here,” Erwin said. Levi nodded. 

“I didn't think you did,” Levi said. 

“I would like for you to leave-”

“No,” Levi said, moving to the side to walk around Erwin. Erwin blocked him. Levi shoulder touched his side. It felt like fire to Erwin. Levi stepped back and looked up at him. “You're not getting rid of me, Commander, step back.” 

“Leave,” Erwin said. 

“No.” 

“I'll remove you from the property,” Erwin said. 

“You'll put your hands on me?” Levi asked, mocking tone. 

“If I have to.”

“I fucking doubt it,” Levi said. His voice lowered. “I really fucking doubt it.” Erwin stepped forward, and thankfully, Levi stepped back. Otherwise, his face would've been against Erwin's chest. 

“Levi,” Erwin said. “I'm kindly asking- I'm very close to begging, Levi, please leave.” Levi's lips parted, and his thin eyebrows pulled together in confusion. 

“What's your problem with me being here?” Levi asked. Erwin swallowed. He looked at the scar on Levi's forehead. 

“You've been here every night,” Erwin said. “You're coming in when Mrs. Bott leaves. People will say-”

“You don't care,” Levi said. Erwin automatically rolled his eyes with frustration. “You never gave a shit when they called you a monster. You suddenly care if people are saying that a man visits you at night?” Erwin felt a whine threatening in his throat, and he swallowed it. But he couldn't stop his shoulders from slouching. He rubbed his face with both hands. “Why don't you want me here?”

“It's distracting,” Erwin said. 

“You don't have a fucking wife, Erwin, what the hell could I distract you from?” Levi asked. “You walk around this empty fucking house like you're looking for something.” Erwin ran his fingers through his hair. 

“Levi,” Erwin said. There was a gasp in his voice. He heard it himself. He saw Levi's eyes search his face. “Please leave. Please.” 

“Give me a reason,” Levi said. Erwin took his hands from his hair and walked away from him. He heard Levi walking behind him. Erwin went into the sitting room and paced back and forth behind one of the couches. He covered his face with his hands to stop looking at Levi. 

Levi was wearing a thin white shirt, and Erwin could see everything through it. And Levi's dark trousers couldn't stop him from glancing at Levi's thighs. It had gotten worse. The night before, he had surprised himself. He didn't even know he had been capable of desire. He thought, for sure, that he was broken of that. He took deep breaths to try and calm himself.

“Erwin,” Levi said. Erwin turned around and Levi was there. Levi reached his hands out. Erwin pulled back away from them. “Calm down.” Levi said. Erwin moved backwards, and Levi stepped forwards. “Take a fucking breath, alright?” Erwin's back hit the wall. Levi stepped forward until he was close. He was too close. Erwin could have slid his foot forward one inch and felt the tip of Levi's boot. “Do you want me to go get the doctor?” Erwin shook his head frantically. “Okay. Alright, Erwin. Listen.” Levi lifted his hands. “I'll give you some time. I get it.” Erwin breathed out. He released the breath he held in his lungs, and he sank to the floor, bringing his knees up. Levi stepped back, out of the way. He moved to Erwin's side and squatted down. “I'm going to go,” Levi said. “But you have to promise me something.” Erwin looked up at him. Levi's eyes searched him again. He looked at Levi's mouth. “If you decide that you want to say something, come to Dr. Hange's house,” Levi said. Levi reached out and put his hand on Erwin's knee. 

Erwin stared at Levi's hand. He inhaled deeply and couldn't breathe out. 

“Hey,” Levi said. Levi leaned in closer. Erwin looked up at his eyes. He couldn't move. He couldn't lift his hands to push Levi away. “Breathe out.” Erwin inhaled. “You have to breathe out.” Levi put his hands on Erwin's chest. He felt down to Erwin's ribs, found his diaphragm and pushed. Erwin coughed out a rush of air and choked. It hurt. He winced. Erwin was still breathing heavily, but he breathed out. Levi's hands were on him. Then, Levi took his hand from Erwin's chest and touched his cheek. “Do you have fever? I don't know-”

And Erwin leaned into his hand. He knew it was a mistake. But he leaned into Levi's hand, turning his mouth to Levi's palm. Erwin inhaled Levi's scent and pressed a kiss into Levi's hand. 

“Erwin,” Levi said. Erwin's eyes snapped open. Levi's eyes were wide. His pupils were blown. Erwin pulled his head away from Levi's hand. He pushed Levi's hand away from his knee. Levi hadn't moved. He was still staring. Erwin could feel it. He could see it from the corner of his eye. He couldn't meet the look. The shame was immediate. 

Levi's hand was on his face again. Erwin pushed it away. He used the wall for leverage and stood up. Levi stood upright. He looked down at Levi. Levi reached his hand out towards Erwin's chest. Erwin shoved it away so hard that Levi almost lost balance. Levi was breathing through his mouth. Erwin couldn't hear his own breath anymore. He could only hear Levi's. 

Levi grabbed Erwin's shirt with both hands and pulled him close. Erwin grabbed Levi's biceps and fought against him. Levi pushed Erwin back against the wall with strength that Erwin couldn't have guessed. Erwin's head bounced off the wall, but his back was firmly against it. He felt Levi's entire body against him. Levi leaned up on his toes, pulled Erwin down by the shirt, and pressed their mouths together. Erwin froze. His eyes had closed without him realizing. He could only feel Levi's mouth on his. His knees were weak. His entire body ached. 

Levi pulled away, his fists still wrapped in Erwin's shirt. 

“How long?” Levi asked. Erwin opened his eyes. His mouth felt bruised and swollen. Levi's lips looked like blood. “How!” Levi pulled Erwin forward before slamming him back into the wall. “Fucking long!” Erwin let go of Levi's arms. He shook his head. He felt his face flush. 

Levi grabbed him by the shirt and pulled him away from the wall again. Erwin lost his footing and fell to the floor. He rolled over onto his back, and Levi was already lowering himself. Levi straddled Erwin's lap, and that's when Erwin felt his cock respond. The image of Levi on his lap had been something he had thought about before. In only a few days, he had imagined more sex than he could remember. He swore to himself he'd never have someone again, and he couldn't stop himself.

Levi removed his shirt and tossed it somewhere out of sight. Erwin's hips bucked without permission. Levi leaned forward, moved up, and he found Erwin's mouth with his again. Erwin felt Levi's tongue on his bottom lip, and Erwin opened his mouth. Levi's kisses were harsh. He was aggressive. His tongue pushed through all of Erwin's mouth. His teeth met Erwin's bottom lip. Erwin tasted blood. He wasn't sure if it was his own or Levi's. His lips hurt, and his hips bucked from the floor again. Levi thrusted down against him, and Erwin felt Levi's hard cock on his stomach. Erwin whimpered into his mouth. He felt Levi's hand in his hair. Then, Levi gave his hair such a hard tug that Erwin had to break the kiss to avoid his hair being pulled from the roots. 

He felt Levi's mouth on his neck. Levi bit him, and Erwin groaned so loudly that Levi gasped. 

“Fuck, Erwin,” Levi whispered against his skin. “What the hell are we doing?” Erwin gasped for breath. He opened his eyes and looked at the ceiling of his home. He knew his father would hate him. But he had believed that since the war. He couldn't stop now. 

Erwin wrapped his arms around Levi. Levi bit his neck again, and Erwin growled through the pain. He rolled with Levi, putting Levi's back to the floor. Levi gasped for air, breaking the bite, and Erwin pinned Levi's wrists to the floor. He kissed Levi again, biting Levi's bottom lip until he felt skin pop. Erwin almost bent himself in half to rub his cock against Levi's through their trousers. He felt Levi arch under him, and Levi moaned into his mouth. 

Erwin broke the kiss. He let go of Levi's wrists and raised up on his knees. He pulled his belt off, throwing it, watching Levi pulling at his own belt, followed by trousers. Levi's mouth was bleeding so much that blood trickled from the corners of his mouth. Erwin pulled his trousers down to his knees. He saw Levi's reaction, but Erwin didn't linger on it. Levi lifted his hips, pulling his trousers down as low as his boots. Erwin pulled off his own shirt. He helped Levi remove his boots and trousers. When Levi was free of his clothing, he spread his legs wide. 

Erwin leaned over Levi again. Levi wrapped his legs around Erwin's waist. Levi reached between them, pressing their cocks together. Erwin thrusted against him. When he pressed kisses against Levi's neck, Erwin saw traces of his blood left behind. 

Supporting himself with one hand, Erwin reached between them and helped Levi with the grip. He thrusted harder, faster this time. 

“Shit!” 

“Levi,” Erwin breathed. He opened his eyes and looked down at him. Levi was watching him. His eyes looked so dark. His black hair was fanned out around his face, and his hair shifted when Erwin grinded against him. Erwin pressed against him so hard that Levi's eyes fluttered close. Levi lifted his head from the floor with a gasp and slammed it back down again. Erwin knew that it hurt. Levi's free hand reached up and grabbed a fistful of Erwin's hair. He pulled Erwin's head down and held him close. 

Erwin created the rhythm, and Levi matched it, pressing up with all of the power in his hips. Levi whined in Erwin's ear, and Erwin groaned in response. He felt his eyes roll back in his head. Levi pulled his hair again. Their mouths met. Levi's mouth was hot and wet. Erwin could taste Levi's unique flavor under the blood. Levi began thrusting faster. He choked for air against Erwin's mouth. Erwin met the pace, and Levi's hand stopped moving. Erwin felt Levi spill between them. He spread it over his own cock and gasped for air with every thrust. The pool of heat rushed from Erwin's hips, and he groaned against Levi's mouth when he came. Their teeth clashed together. He kept thrusting until he felt Levi go soft in his hand. 

He took his hand from between them and used it to help support himself, slathering come on the wooden floor. He lifted his body a few inches and opened his eyes. Levi's eyes were half-lidded, and he was still catching his breath. His face was flushed. There was blood spread across his lips and cheeks. The scar on his temple was stark white compared to his red face. Erwin leaned down, closed his eyes, and he kissed Levi's scar. The scar he had left himself. 

“Erwin,” Levi whispered. Erwin kissed his scar again. “I've known since that night you put me in the bath.” Erwin pressed his forehead against Levi's. He couldn't open his eyes. “It's sick.” Erwin kissed his nose. “But that's it.” 

Erwin didn't know when he had started to think of Levi in such a way. And he didn't want to spend the time to think of it. 

He lifted himself up to his knees and carefully rose to his feet, pulling his trousers back up, fastening the button. Levi began dressing again. Erwin could hear him muttering about the mess they made, the blood, the come, the sweat in puddles on the wooden floor. He watched Levi slip his arms into his shirt, and he would have stopped the question if he could have. 

“Why didn't you kill me?” Erwin breathed. “I wanted you to.” Erwin opened his eyes. Levi was looking up at him. 

“That's why,” Levi said. Erwin wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. A bit of blood was still freely flowing, and it stained his hand. “I wanted to die in the field,” Levi said. “I wanted to die with Farlan. With his eyes covered so he wouldn't see.” Erwin felt the sting and heat of tears. “I wanted you to.” One of those tears fell, and Erwin wiped it away, smearing blood and salt. “You were dead like me when I came here.” Erwin nodded and closed his eyes. He felt more tears leave the corners of his eyelids. 

“I know.”

“Look at me,” Levi said, jerking Erwin's head a bit by the jaw. Erwin opened his eyes. “Dead people don't bleed, Erwin.” Levi ran his thumb against Erwin's bottom lip. He pulled his hand back and showed Erwin the blood. Erwin met his eyes again. “I wanted to die, and now I want you.” He wanted to walk away. Erwin told his legs to move. His feet at least, and nothing moved. He shouldn't have Levi. He didn't deserve him. Erwin opened his mouth and closed it again. “Say it. Whatever it is, fucking say it already-”

“I don't deserve this,” Erwin said. He gritted his teeth and shook his head. “Your kindness,” he grunted. “Whatever we just did.” He looked at his hand, covered in dried come and spots of blood. 

“I'll kick your fucking ass,” Levi spat. 

“I killed your countrymen,” Erwin said. He looked Levi in the eye. “I murdered them.”

“I killed yours,” Levi said. “I've told you the ways that I've slaughtered helpless men. I don't lose sleep for them.” Levi took his hand away. “I lose sleep for Farlan,” he said. “I've lost sleep for you.” Erwin sniffed, pushing tears away from his face. Levi walked away, and Erwin heard the splash of water. When Levi returned, Erwin saw that his hands were clean. And Levi went to the front door. Erwin didn't move towards him. He watched Levi grab the doorknob from the sitting room. “I'll see you later.” 

Within the next few days, Erwin received an invitation for dinner at Hange's house. He went to dinner, and Levi offered to show him the barn after they had finished a glass of brandy. Hange and Moblit suddenly decided they were both too tired to stay awake and went to their separate sleeping quarters. Erwin loved the way that Levi looked when he laid in fresh hay. And Levi was tender that night. 

They weren't able to visit often. But a few times a month, Erwin would go to Hange's. Rarely, Levi would visit Erwin in his own home. They always talked about the war. Some nights they drew blood from each other. A few times, Levi left bruises. When Erwin had his way, they took things slowly and gently. 

In between visits, they wrote to each other. Erwin sat in his chair in his bedroom to read Levi's letters. 

_Erwin,_

_I've decided to stay in the area for a while longer. Hange still needs help. Some of the soldiers that he has attempted to counsel haven't done as well as he hoped._

_I'm planning to visit you on Thursday. Leave the door unlocked for me._

_There are times that I wish I could stay where you are. Sneaking away before dawn is too much. I've dreamed of laying in bed with you for an entire day. I want to know if you taste different in the afternoon._

_I may leave this area one day. I think about going back to Sina. At the same time, leaving without you makes my feet ache._

_Don't forget Thursday._

_Don't keep this letter. I don't care what she says. Mrs. Bott snoops._

_\- Levi_

Erwin smiled and read the letter again. He tossed it to the fire and felt warm while it burned. When he slept, he dreamed of Thursday.


End file.
